Whatever, Jo’burg, whatever…B-)

Gus Silber shared on Twitter today an

“Amusingly seething anti-CT rant by fed-up Joburger”.

This is imaginatively entitled “Go F**k Yourself, Cape Town“, and consists largely of a defensive set of reactions by one Jade Mitchell against a series of straw men, such as claiming people from Cape Town say things like:

“It’s so dirty, and busy, and trafficky and unsafe.”

Which it is, of course.  Not to mention severely pot-holed, with no working traffic lights.  And with defences for the average suburban home that make American bases in Afghanistan look like kids’ playgrounds.

But this is by the bye.  For Ms Mitchell makes a series of statements about or from Jo’burg designed to diss Cape Town – which any respectable denizen of these parts cannot allow to go unchallenged.  So, seriatim:

1. Capetonians are cliquey

Well, yes??  Otherwise they’d have to talk to people they don’t know!  I mean, I’ve been here 40 years, and Capetonians still don’t speak to me.

Including, it seems, my own children – who were born here.  But that’s OK, because we just befriend Namibians, Zimbabweans, and the occasional Gautengi.

2. Your business comes from Johannesburg

Obviously: one does try to keep the commercial areas separate from the areas where one lives, after all.

3. Cape Town salaries are lower, Cape Town expenses are higher

Let’s phrase this another way: you need danger pay to live in Jo’burg, and there’s more to do here.  Like drinking good wine you didn’t have to buy in Checkers.

4. We pay for you

“We”?  You mean the 9+ million people in Greater Johannesburg?  I should HOPE you contribute more to the GDP – but just 10% more doesn’t cut it, if you have 3x more people than we do…you see, we educated people down here innie Kaap!

5. Cape Town is not crime-free

Granted: it’s been the murder capital of SA for about the last 300 years, after all.  And ANYONE who walks

“…around the CBD at three in the morning, drunk on expensive craft beer and dressed like the bass player from an Indie-funk band”

DESERVES a sound thrashing, let alone relief from too much ill-spent money*.

*Which doesn’t happen in Cape Town, of course.

6. The DA is not infallible

Sure!  But I refer you back to potholes.  And working traffic lights.

7. Most of you don’t live anywhere near the beach

True, true…but if by “don’t live anywhere near” you mean “not within a half-hour’s drive”, then NOT true. Whereas you lot need “6 hours in a Chevrolet”, to quote Jeremy whatsit, to get even close#.  And that’s to Durban – and who wants to go there??

Then, of course, we have the winelands: lots and lots of winelands. The Mountain.  And other mountains – real ones, not man-made ones full of cyanide.

#And we do NOT count the Randburg Waterfront as an actual Waterfront.

8. Cape Town doesn’t have a high speed train

Yes.  And?  We also don’t pay R200+ to go one stop away from the airport on one, either.  And the high-speed taxis that can take you to anywhere in Cape Town more than make up for it.

9. When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, you are going to be so fucked

Ah, now, this is where you are SERIOUSLY wrong.  Consider point 5, above: I would seriously doubt the viability of any zombie horde in Cape Town, for a few very simple reasons.  These being the Junky Funky Kids, the Hard Livings, the 26s – 28s, and all of their ilk: I would seriously doubt whether any zombie army could survive the predatory power of armed Cape Town gangs intent on relieving them of any and all personal ornamentation, sunglasses, designer jeans and shoes.

And once that had happened, of course, we in the quiet suburbs would be safe from zombie predation, given that it is nothing much worse than what we already experience on a daily basis. In fact, Gus and I are supposed to be writing a zombie novel set in Cape Town – yes, we are, Gus! – in which just such events will come to pass.  With the Cape Town hippies and hipsters so beloved of Ms Mitchell who become the zombies – due to an unfortunate series of events involving a bat, a rat, a stray dog and a hipster – being ruthlessly and efficiently cleaned out by Cape Town’s finest.  And by our finest, I do not mean the SAPS.

As for the comment that:

I’m just saying, if we wanted to, we could come down there in droves, throttle each of you with your any-weather scarves, impale you on your gluten-free, vegan lollipops and cut your hearts out of your artfully tattooed chests with a broken wine bottle before you could say, “Kif, bru.”

You think we in Cape Town like people like that??  Jade, we try to run them over ourselves – or at least I do.  Because, dear Jade, they’re not from around these parts: they’re immigrants; arty people from upcountry who try to adopt our city as their own.

And we know this, how?  Because they hang out in Long Street – which is where we send our children to learn the Art of the Hunt.

So, dear Jo’burg: whatever.  Mind over matter, Gautengis, mind over matter. As in – we don’t mind, and you don’t matter B-)

Two good reasons to be in Cape Town: The Mountain - and Kirstenbosch. Oh, and the good wife, of course.

Two good reasons to be in Cape Town: The Mountain – and Kirstenbosch.
Oh, and the good wife, of course.

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About Ed Rybicki

Ed is a 60-ish virologist and biotechnologist, formerly a Zambian and presently a South African. He is into family, virology, biotechnology, science in general, science fiction in particular, photography, red wine, wearing loud shirts, 70s rock, blues and smooth jazz...and telling stories. Sometimes, interesting ones. And writing for his own amusement.
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One Response to Whatever, Jo’burg, whatever…B-)

  1. Azzi Miei says:

    Rock on Ed. Funny how nobody remembers that the special forces are trained in Saldanah when it comes to prophesising the zombie apocalypse.

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